I Need My (Back)Space

Not going to lie, this is going to be a tough write. Who knows how many times the backspace button is about to be engaged. I endearingly refer to this function as the “BS” button, because I often tell myself “that line was total bullshit. Delete it. Now.,” prompting my finger to reach for the upper left of the keyboard. Enough stalling. Here it comes. Mr. BS button, get ready because I am about to start feeling some stuff, and lord knows I want to delete all that “feeling” shit.

After a lifetime of writing personally and professionally, I (regretfully) dropped the curtain on putting my personal thoughts down on paper about five years ago. It wasn’t an intentional abstention… it just kind of happened that way. Don’t get me wrong, I “write” in my head CONSTANTLY – that has never stopped. I have done it every day for as long as I can remember. But getting myself to step into the place to physically write again has been much more difficult than I anticipated. My kids even got me a subscription to send me weekly prompts with the end goal of publishing a book. It was supposed to be a year-long subscription with your weekly entries arriving in a beautifully bound collection of personal wisdom. Hah! They bought it for me four years ago and I just keep renewing annually, hoping it would be a motivator. I understand the assignment, but have continually blamed the proverbial dog for consuming my thoughts.

So why? Why did I retreat from writing personally? I am sure there is a big old bundle of stuff that should be untangled in therapy, but let’s just say that writing – for me – means feeling. Pulling back the layers and really feeling shit I try to push to the dark corners of my heart and brain. Pushing back the harsh realities of losing so many who meant – and mean – so much to me within a short span of time. Choosing to not “get in my feelings” in an effort to just get through the days and show up for others. But honestly, I am not sure I have been showing up in the best way that I could – and should. In fact, I know I haven’t.

If we aren’t “feeling”, why are we even here? Just “getting through the day” is a pretty awful and uninspired way to exist. So here I am, ready to face my reflection in the words that spill out. We’ll see what happens if I can keep my finger off good old “Backspace Boy” up there in the corner and actually put some of my real-life BS down in print.